How to reject someone
Turning down an admirer can be a nasty business, so it's lucky we're here to help you soften the blow.
We all know that it sucks to get dumped and even the gentlest rejection can lead to a sense of loss and sadness in the person being turned away. Unfortunately these feelings are inevitable; when we are rejected, not only do we lose self-esteem, but we can also lose a sense of hope. These feelings can occur even when we don't really want to be with the person who is rejecting us.
On the other side of the fence, when we are faced with initiating a potentially miserable rejection, our feelings of guilt can be overwhelming. Luckily, Relate Counsellor, Christine Northam has given us some advice on how to feel in control of such situations:
Situation 1: Can't we be more than just friends?
You have been hanging out with someone regularly, including lots of one-on-one time. You really value their friendship, but you can sense through their behaviour that they want more. One problem - you don't.
Northam suggests that you should be open and upfront. Saying something like: "I have been wondering whether you are getting closer to me than I am to you?" If the answer is yes, then you have the chance to explain your feelings and give rational reasons for why you don't want to be in a romantic relationship with them. You can say that you don't want to be in a relationship at the moment, but beware that if you then meet someone else who you do really like, your friend might feel that you lied. Also, if you say you are not ready for a relationship at that time, the person might just wait for you.
If your friend is being too persistent you should be straight with them, for example: "I think we are seeing too much of each other and we need some time out." Sometimes a friendship can't be possible if the person starts to become really involved with your life and can't take no for an answer. If you think they might have stalker-potential you are definitely better off without them.
Situation 2: No one wants to be with me
You attempt to end a relationship with someone and they blurt out: "But you are the third person that has done this, there must be something wrong with me. Please don't do this to me."
Such a response should automatically raise sensitivity alarm bells. Even if you are wondering what you ever saw in them, it's not a good idea to let them know that. "Try and avoid making the break up personal," advises Northam. "Give rational reasons for the split such as timing. Say: 'At this time I am not ready for this relationship', rather than 'I'm just fed up with seeing you.'"
Northam also believes that we should be careful with the language we use, and I for one know exactly what she means. When my ex was on the verge of ending our relationship he would constantly tell me I was doing his head in. This was really hurtful to hear and made me feel bad about myself. If he had simply said something like I don't think we are good together anymore, it would have stopped it feeling like such a personal attack.
Finally, if you feel that you have tried your hardest to cushion the blow you shouldn't feel guilty if they are still very upset, and there may actually be nothing more that you can do. However, if the person has a lot of emotional problems they may appreciate some help, but it is up to you whether you feel you're the right person to offer it.
Written by Helen Williams
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