Impossible girlfriends
Sometimes they say things that you just don't know how to answer. TheSite.org offers some slick solutions to all those tricky times.
Q1: Do I look fat in this?
Perhaps the only time when a committed "just say no" campaign is ever likely to work, even if she will suspect you're holding something back. You might be tempted to elaborate, but just don't go there.
Fool answers:
- Only when compared to your best mate.
- Not in this light.
- That depends on your definition of fat.
- The dress is too small, that's all.
Q2: I hope you weren't expecting some sex tonight?
Maybe it's the last thing she says before turning out the lights, but whatever your intention be sure to keep it to yourself. Why? Because even if you had no plans on trying it on, she'll expect some kind of protest. It's how guys express their love and affection, after all. The trouble is any feeble attempt to change her mind will also invite her scorn. Feigning a man-headache is your only way out of this one.
Fool answers:
- I'm so glad you said that.
- It's OK, I had some at work.
- What if I wait until you're asleep?
Q3: Have you come yet?
A guaranteed way to cool off your lovemaking. Regardless of your ejaculatory state, you'd have to be a mind reader to suss out why she's asking you this. Is she enjoying this intimate moment just as you are, and checking there's life in you yet, or is she just bored and waiting for you to get off? Only you can decide. You're on your own, pal.
Fool answer:
- Why? Have you?
Q4: What are you thinking?
It's a valid question, with no valid answer to match. Why? Because if you're not thinking about her, or sex, or football, then she'll want to know what's distracted you from the norm, and if you did happen to be dwelling on the etiquette of proposing a threesome involving her best mate and full Arsenal kit then you deserve to feel the lash of her tongue.
Fool answers:
- Nothing (you're a liar).
- What would you like me to be thinking? (you're a coward and a creep).
Q5: Do you find my best mate attractive?
Your girlfriend isn't asking you this because she's thinking of her best mate here. She wants to know how she herself shapes up by comparison. The catch is there's no answer that will leave her feeling loved and satisfied. You could say: 'not as attractive as you' but that would reveal that you've looked at her mate in those terms, and that's just as bad as saying she does absolutely nothing for you at all.
Fool answers:
- Only with the lights off.
- Not any more.
- Increasingly so.
Q6: What would you be doing if we had never met?
The instinctive response should involve a vow of chastity and a lifelong commitment to the monastery, but she isn't going to buy that, is she? Nor will she appreciate any mention of the playboy lifestyle you abandoned for her love. In short, you're stuffed.
Fool answer:
- That would depend on whether your best mate was available.
Q7: What would you do if I died tomorrow?
A classic relationship question, and one with no right answer. She wants to hear that you'll cope just fine, despite being tortured by her memory for every second of every day. Like that's going to work...
Fool answers:
- Repaint this kitchen so it isn't so girlie.
- Buy a trailer.
- Cash in your pension and buy a boat to travel the world in.
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