Surviving abuse
Question
I'm four months pregnant and I left my partner the day I found out. To most people we looked like a happy couple that had just got engaged but behind closed doors he was abusing me.
Just a few months into the relationship his behaviour had left me with severe depression and an eating disorder, by the time I left him I was regularly cutting myself.
He would spend all our money on alcohol and I would have to try and make ends meet to feed myself, even though he would eat out. He'd beat me after he'd been drinking and apologise in the morning; and I'd forgive him.
But when I found out I was pregnant I had to leave him; I couldn't put a child through the same abuse. I've cut all ties and moved away. The thing is, I've now started to feel guilty for taking our child away from its father. I'm scared I'll ruin its life if it doesn't have two parents. Have I done the right thing?
Answer
You've made a very brave move, and for that you should be proud. Many women in similar situations never feel able to leave their abuser. But you did.
But it's understandable you're feeling insecure about your decision to leave your partner. After all, he's the father of your child and at one time you did love him. But this man has shown, again and again, that he is not deserving of your love. That's not to say he doesn't deserve a chance to be a good father to your unborn son or daughter. But, from what you say, there's no indication he has the ability to show his future child anything but cruelty.
In fact, if he has abused you, there's a strong likelihood your child's physical safety could be in jeopardy too. You know what he's capable of more than anyone, so you need to think about how risky it might be for you or your child to have contact with him.
You've been through a lot and the scars left by your ex have yet to heal. So it's important you think about getting some much-needed support right now to continue the healing process. One place to start is Women's Aid, an organisation that helps women who have been in abusive relationship. They can give you support and put you in contact with self-help groups. You can contact them on 0808 2000 247.
It might also be useful to consider counselling with a trained therapist. Once the baby comes, you will need both emotional and financial support, and your ex is not the one to provide it. That's something you will need to do on your own (or with the help of family members, if that's possible). The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) can send you a list of accredited counsellors in your area, check their website or phone them on 01788 578328.
Leaving your partner was the first, most difficult step in your recovery, but the path to full-blown emotional and physical health can be long and arduous. You can do it, you left your ex, and you survived. That might not have been the case had you opted to stay with this man.
Good answer? Bad info? Want to tell us what you think? We'd really like to hear what you've got to say about this answer so please click here to take the survey. Your feedback is confidential and as anonymous as you like.
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
Print this page Email this page to a friend Add to favourites
