Pregnancy problem
Question
I'm pregnant but my partner doesn't feel ready for kids yet. I have had two abortions and cannot go through with a third. What should I do?
Answer
Deciding to become a parent is a big decision, bringing with it life-long responsibility - both emotionally and financially. It can also be one of the most special moments in your life, so it's no wonder you've been giving this situation a great deal of thought and consideration. It's possible that your partner has been giving the situation his full attention as well. Unfortunately, you and he seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum: you're ready to start a family and he isn't.
It might be useful to take a look at your actual level of readiness. In other words, do you feel ready because it's the right time in your life for children, or are you pushing yourself to feel ready because you have had two previous abortions and are reluctant to have a third? This is an important distinction and needs to be carefully thought out before you decide one way or another.
Another consideration: would you be ready, willing and able to raise a child on your own? Although your partner could be legally obliged to help financially that doesn't mean that he would want to take an active role in your child's upbringing. If that's the case, how prepared are you for life as a single parent? Do you have a network of family and friends who would be there to lend their support? Do you have the financial means to take care of yourself as well as a child? It's worth taking the time to think through these questions.
At this point it seems crucial that you talk openly and honestly with your partner about the situation. Although he's not ready for kids, is he aware how strongly you feel? His feelings might change once he realises how you feel about the pregnancy. Do you feel able to lay your cards on the table and see what he has to say? It could really help to talk to him about the situation. Communication is essential in any relationship, and is even more so when the relationship is experiencing difficulties.
You could also consider going for a few sessions of couples counselling with your partner, to work through the various issues in this situation. Relate offers counselling for couples and individuals, to find out more you can call Relate on 0300 100 1234. In addition to pursuing the couples-counselling route, you might want to discuss the situation with a professional counsellor on your own, without your partner present. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) provides information and advice on all matters related to counselling. They can send a list of accredited counsellors in your local area. You can call them on 01455 883316.
Have you spoken to a trusted friend or family member about the situation? Confiding in someone can give them a better understanding of your situation and they may be able to offer you further help and support. If you don't feel able to talk to someone you know you can call SupportLine, in confidence on 020 8554 9004. SupportLine provides emotional support to any person on any issue.
When it comes down to it, you need to make a decision that's appropriate for you. If your actions are based solely on what your partner wants you could end up resenting him and blaming him for a choice you did not want to make. That's why it's vitally important you make a decision that feels totally right for you.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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