Cold shoulder
Question
My partner never shows me any affection unless I ask him to because he hasn't always trusted me. I'm very romantic and need to feel loved and he knows this, but still doesn't change his behaviour.
We both want to work at our relationship as we have twins and have been together for four years, but I'm deeply unhappy and don't know how we can overcome our difficulties. Can you help?
Answer
We all have our own personal feelings about how much physical affection and attention we're comfortable with. For example, people who've not experienced much positive physical affection when they were growing up can be shy and self-conscious about showing love in this way when they're adults, but this doesn't necessarily mean they're cold or uncaring. It may be that your partner's lack of affection is a way of him dealing with the lack of trust he feels.
Regardless of why he feels this way it's something the two of you will need to find a way to move past, or else risk the problems in your relationship becoming more severe. A person can't change the way they behave unless they're made aware that a change is needed so You should talk to your partner about this issue if you haven't already and like with most things in relationships, it's likely to require compromise on both your parts.
If talking about this problem doesn't help you might want to consider looking for professional help. When a partner feels dissatisfied and unhappy in a relationship but carries on quietly, resentment can builds over time until one day they explode, making things break down in a much more traumatic fashion than was perhaps necessary. You don't need to let this happen. Consider explaining to your partner that you feel at the end of your tether with certain aspects of the relationship and as attempts at trying to work things through together have failed you'd like to try meeting with a couple's counsellor, in order to have the support and perspective of an objective third party.
You (or your partner) may feel threatened by this idea at first, especially since it may mean discussing intimate elements of your private life with a stranger. However, it's the job of a couple's counsellor to remain non-judgemental and to essentially guide the couple as they work through their problems together. You can contact Relate on 0845 130 4016 for information on the nearest couple counselling centre and to ask for more information about what might be involved.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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