Love hurts
Question
Five months ago my fiancée left me. It was 10 weeks before we were due to marry and came as a complete shock. She said no one else was involved, but it was obvious something was going on. I've now found out I was right to be suspicious, yet I've had no explanation from her.
I've never felt so low, but at the same time I'm focusing on getting fit and learning to drive. My job is boring me and I'm tempted to travel, but I'm worried I'll come back in a worse position. Everyone thinks I'm doing really well, but deep down I'm so sad without her because she was my best friend. I've also got the added stress of paying for an expensive flat on my own. Everything feels so pointless at the moment - what can I do?
Answer
Breaking up with someone you love very much, particularly so suddenly and unexpectedly, can be extremely upsetting and distressing. One minute you were happily engaged and anticipating your wedding, and the next, your fiancée has left you. To make things even worse, you then suffered the pain of discovering that she had betrayed you. It's not surprising your world has turned upside down and you feel stressed and anxious. Given what you've been through, it sounds like you are coping very well. You're also making sure you keep active and seeing friends, all of which are very positive ways to cope.
The way you're feeling at the moment is completely normal in these circumstances. Breaking up with someone is very much like going through a bereavement, which can leave you feeling shock, anger and depression. Try to be reassured that the way you feel will not last and it will get easier to cope with. Unfortunately, you can't rush through the process - you have to work through each emotion. But there are things you can do to make it easier, such as talking about your feelings. Most people have been through an upsetting break up and will relate to how you feel. But even if you don't feel able to talk to friends or family, there are other people who can help. You may find it helpful to call SupportLine on 020 8554 9004 or email info@supportline.org.uk.
It's good to have a future plan to focus on and going travelling could be a fresh start that will result in new memories and experiences. You may want to see if there's a friend who would be willing to come with you? If you decide against it, there are other ways you can make a new start. Could you get a new job or move to a new flat? Perhaps you could share with friends, so you won't be on your own.
One of the hardest things about dealing with a relationship break-up is losing the other person's friendship. One minute, they're your best friend, the most important person in your life and the next, you hardly see or speak to them and every conversation is fraught with pain, emotion and upset. Although you feel you deserve an explanation from your ex, you might have to accept that this may not be forthcoming, that you may never know or truly understand exactly what went through her mind, or what happened. Will knowing help you to move forward? Perhaps the only healthy thing you can do is to accept that the relationship is over and put it behind you.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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